Fighting for Love...

During the course of a person's lifetime, one cannot always escape the grim reality of a battle. Of course I don't mean battle like a sense of war but more or less by its meaning; an encounter between two opposing forces. Whether it's an external or internal threat, battles are always fought whether we want to or not. There will always be someone or something that would oppose to what we believe in, what we feel and what we hold dear. There will always be something that will hinder us from winning a certain battle during the course of our lives.

Most of the times, aside from the usual heartaches that we feel when we're in love, we are also in danger of fighting for that particular love. Whether it's another person, or our beliefs, or just something from our past, fighting is inevitable. I don't mean of course that fighting between the lovers but the external threats that surround both sides. Most of the times, families tend to come between two lovers (Romeo and Juliet). Sometimes, beliefs can also come between the two lovers and there are just some technicalities that may seem random but are potential reasons why something will always hinder two people from loving.

Yet, for some reason, when the battle becomes a one-sided battle, more often than not, one or the other will give up. Whether it's the pain of seeing the other get hurt or just tired from fighting for something that won't be theirs, giving up may sound the rational thing to do. But from here on in, how can you assure yourself that what you did in the past will definitely not happen again? If you gave up on someone you love, how can you be so sure that you won't do it again the next time you fall in love? When love is true, when love is pure, despite all adversities, pain is never a reason to let go or give up. If you truly love a person, then you should give it your all to fight for that somebody, to make sure that he/she will never be gone or taken away from you. Often times, we find ourselves asking the question "is he/she really worth fighting for? Is our love worth fighting for?". The answer to those questions will have different answers coming from different perspectives. But the one thing that will bind all answers despite their difference is how much you love that person. Fighting for love is a test of your character, to see how far you are willing to go for that someone, to see how much pain you're willing to endure for him/her. "Strength through adversity" does not apply directly to wars and warriors but also applies to a relationship. However, it takes TWO of you to fight for your relationship and for your love, keeping each other strong and holding on through tough times.

In my personal perspective, I'll ALWAYS fight for the one that I love (Stephen), no matter the adversity. Also, the answer that I'm about to give to these questions "is he really worth fighting for? Is our love worth fighting for?" is "YES". Come what may, love is always worth fighting for, whether it's a simple form of love for friends or to a more deeper and profound feeling of love towards your special someone.

My Top 10 Favorite Things From 2009...

1. My boyfriend/fiance, Stephen Gomez. I don't know what I would do without him. He is not only the love of my life, but he is my better half. He makes me happy and treats me like a woman should be treated (like a princess). He is always there to help me. He helped me so much with my homework this past semester and he never complains always saying my education comes first. I can't wait to be his wife!
2. Getting good grades at Arizona State University. Almost got straight A's. 1 B+, 1 A, and 2 A+. GPA of 3.9. I should be accepted into Phi Alpha which is the National Honor Society for social work students.
3. HOUSE-That show makes me laugh, makes me cry, and makes me think about relationships. It is riveting TV. I stole this picture from my sisters blog. House is in her top 10 as well!

4. Cuddling with my dog Charlie. He keeps me warm at night and always knows when I'm sick or sad. When I cry he cuddles me and licks my face. When I am sick he lies on my lap and keeps me warm (especially now that I have Bacterial Pneumonia). He is always happy to see me and loves me regardless.
5. Losing almost 40 pounds. I don't want to do a before and after shot yet because I want to lose another 50 pounds before my wedding (1/7/11). Wait til you see me in that gorgeous white wedding gown! Seeing my mom and step dad lose an amazing amount of weight has been just as wonderful! They both look fantastic.
6. My sisters
7. My cats
8. Going to Las Vegas with my boyfriend/family.
9. Living through a potentially fatal illness. I survived having multiple Pulmonary Embolisms (blood clots) in both my lungs and was in the hospital for 8 days. Though I will be on blood thinners for the rest of my life, I am SO thankful to be alive!
10. My son that I placed for adoption said that I am, "The best birth mother in the whole entire solar system". That made me cry with joy and made me feel like a million bucks. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me!

Myasthenia Gravis

Tonight I watched an episode of Extreme Makeover Home Edition that aired on Sunday night. It was about a woman that helped children in need. She had the disease Myasthenia Gravis that my sister has. It was an interesting story yet sad to see how tough it was for this woman to get around in her wheel chair with the house that she had.




Myasthenia gravis is a chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disease characterized by varying degrees of weakness of the skeletal (voluntary) muscles of the body. The name myasthenia gravis, which is Latin and Greek in origin, literally means "grave muscle weakness." The hallmark of myasthenia gravis is muscle weakness that increases during periods of activity and improves after periods of rest. Certain muscles such as those that control eye and eyelid movement, facial expression, chewing, talking, and swallowing are often, but not always, involved in the disorder. The muscles that control breathing and neck and limb movements may also be affected.

The thymus gland, which lies in the upper chest area beneath the breastbone, plays an important role in the development of the immune system in early life. Its cells form a part of the body's normal immune system. The gland is somewhat large in infants, grows gradually until puberty, and then gets smaller and is replaced by fat with age. In adults with myasthenia gravis, the thymus gland is abnormal. My sister had her thymus removed as well as part of a lung with no success.

In most cases, the first noticeable symptom is weakness of the eye muscles. In others, difficulty in swallowing and slurred speech may be the first signs. The degree of muscle weakness involved in myasthenia gravis varies greatly among patients, ranging from a localized form, limited to eye muscles (ocular myasthenia), to a severe or generalized form in which many muscles - sometimes including those that control breathing - are affected. Symptoms, which vary in type and severity, may include a drooping of one or both eyelids (ptosis), blurred or double vision (diplopia) due to weakness of the muscles that control eye movements, unstable or waddling gait, weakness in arms, hands, fingers, legs, and neck, a change in facial expression, difficulty in swallowing and shortness of breath, and impaired speech (dysarthria).

I hate that my sister has to live everyday with this horrible disease.

New light...

This is a post I wrote on my support group for Fibromyalgia. Just thought I would share my experience. My sister recommended I post it on my blog. Sorry, it's kinda long.

I had quite an experience earlier today. As I was driving home tonight with my friend I told her this story and we both just cried. I am so happy. They were happy tears. So here is what happened today...

I was at school (I go to a University in the downtown area of a major city), and I had a 45 minute break between class and my appointment to see my adviser. I decided to sit outside during this break as it was beautiful weather in the low 90's. I began people watching! I sat there having a pity party thinking about how hard life has been for me since my Pulmonary Embolisms (blood clots in my lungs) back in April, then dealing with the horrible chronic pain of Fibromyalgia the last several months. By the way no one really understands how bad the pain really gets besides a select few in my life and this group. Anyway, all the sudden I see a blind man walking around the building next door with his stick (sorry I don't know what they are called). He was bumping into the wall and walked right into a woman sitting in a chair, he couldn't find the door. I got up, tapped him on the shoulder and guided him to the door, pressed the button for the door to open and guided him inside, then went back to where I was sitting. Then, in the next 5 minutes, I saw two people come out of the building in wheel chairs that clearly did not have the ability to walk. Again, about another 10 minutes went by and I saw a homeless man walk slowly by with a shopping cart that had a sleeping bag in it. He was quite thin and dirty. All the sudden I had tears build up in my eyes under my expensive Oakley sunglasses and I felt different about my own life. I thought back at the blind man that couldn't see the beautiful blue sky that I was looking at. I thought about the homeless man and how thankful I am that I have a roof over my head, food in my fridge, and though a small amount, I have cash in my wallet. Then the big one hit me. The 2 people in the wheel chairs who would never walk again. I suddenly thanked God for the pain I feel every day in my legs because that meant that, I CAN FEEL MY LEGS!! I sat there crying and wondering how many people in this world would gladly take my pain any day just to have the ability to walk. I felt selfish and ashamed and happy at the same time. I WALKED away feeling better than I had in months. My pain seemed somehow better when I thought about those people. In a strange way I feel thankful for my pain and how small it seems now compared to the problems of others I have seen today. PLEASE don't get me wrong. I am not belittling your pain. I KNOW it is real and I know how bad it can be. I'm not saying I won't ever complain again because I will. I know I will have days that I will be in so much pain I will forget about those I saw today, but my point is it is amazing how much I was taking for-granted in my life. I have had a very happy day learning about how much I have to be thankful for and I wanted to share that with you all. I appreciate this group, my family, and my friends for being there for me during those really hard days. These hard days have been more frequent recently so I really am grateful for your support and understanding. Cheers to those happy days!! :)

Here are some of the responses I have received from this post:

1. This is wonderful April. Everything is relative, isn't it?
2. We all need to count our blessings. The Savior took upon us our sorrows, not only our sins. We are never alone.
3. This is a very powerful story and well done to you for posting it...I have to agree with you.
4. Amazing how God shows us things and puts people in our life to give us the strength to go on. Sometime we are like the blind man you helped. We get lost and can't see where we are going in our every day life trying to find the door, and like you opening the door for him so he can go on, God opens the door for us so we can go on.
5. You certainly know that God put those people there for you for a reason. I really do believe that. One of the worst things about this illness is that the chronic pain makes it so difficult to see the beauty in life sometimes. Thanks for the post. It was a great reminder for us all.
6. Good job! You're right, there's always someone worse off. There's always something to be thankful about.
7. Thank you for this story. I was sitting here at my desk feeling sorry for myself. This is just what I needed today.
8. Thank-you for reminding "US" that it could be worse! We do get a few good days here & there!
9. Isn't it great when we open our eyes and then we see the real story. I am with you April- yes we can feel our legs, even through the pain we deal with. It is wonderful when we can be thankful for it. I am glad you reminded me of this, as it is something I frequently forget. Also remember these things when you are struggling to see the light at the end. God is always there walking us through our struggles. Thanks for the uplifting story.
10. Thank you sooooo much. I needed this.

Fibromyalgia is real...

I went to the Pain Management Specialist today for my Fibromyalgia pain. He gave me two medications that will hopefully help me. Only time will tell I guess. I see the doctor again in a month. Cross your fingers that I will finally get some relief!



Fibromyalgia is real

There is no doubt

If you don’t believe it

Here’s what it is all about !

It’s about being a professional

At the top of your career

And losing your future

In less than a year

It’s about having unrelenting pain

No one can figure out

Having test after test

That shows nothing but doubt

It’s about knowing your pain is real

And fighting for your rights

Being so upset and frustrated

Getting no sleep so many nights !

It’s about trying to find the right doctor

Who can offer you some hope

Who knows what it’s all about

Who can give you what you need to cope !

It’s about learning to live again

With a whole new personality

Letting go of the person you once were

And facing a whole new reality !

It’s about losing friends and family

Because they think “it’s all in your head”.

But truth be known, there are days

You hurt so much, you can’t get out of bed !

It’s about setting new priorities

“So what if there is dust”

You have to take care of yourself now

And do only what you must !

It’s about holding on to hope

Each new day could bring a cure

It’s holding on to this hope

That will raise your mood for sure !

It’s about being thankful for the few

Friends and family that are true

Believing and hoping for a miracle

Praying for strength to make it through !

Addiction in a Nutshell...

Last week was the 4 year anniversary of one of my friends death. I have lost too many friends to drugs and alcohol.

Over half a million people die a year from drug abuse and that is just in our country.

I HATE MEETINGS. I HATE HIGHER POWER. I HATE ANYONE WHO HAS A PROGRAM. TO ALL WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH ME, I WISH YOU DEATH AND I WISH YOU SUFFERING.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION, CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL. THAT'S ME. I HAVE KILLED MILLIONS AND I AM PLEASED. I LOVE TO CATCH YOU WITH THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE. I LOVE PRETENDING I AM YOUR FRIEND AND LOVER. I HAVE GIVEN YOU COMFORT, HAVE I NOT? WASN'T I THERE WHEN YOU WERE LONELY? WHEN YOU WANTED TO DIE, DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? I WAS THERE. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU HURT. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU CRY. BETTER YET, I LOVE WHEN I MAKE YOU SO NUMB YOU CAN NEITHER HURT NOR CRY. YOU CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. THIS IS TRUE GLORY. I WILL GIVE YOU INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND ALL I ASK OF YOU IS LONG TERM SUFFERING. I'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. WHEN THINGS WERE GOING RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE, YOU INVITED ME. YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THESE GOOD THINGS, AND I WAS THE ONLY WHO WOULD AGREE WITH YOU. TOGETHER, WE WERE ABLE TO DESTROY ALL GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

PEOPLE DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. THEY TAKE STROKES SERIOUSLY. HEART ATTACKS SERIOUSLY. EVEN DIABETES THEY TAKE SERIOUSLY. FOOLS THAT THEY ARE, THEY DON'T KNOW THAT WITHOUT MY HELP, THESE THINGS WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE.

I AM SUCH A HATED DISEASE, AND YET I DO NOT COME UNINVITED. YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME. SO MANY HAVE CHOSEN ME OVER REALITY AND PEACE.

MORE THEN YOU HATE ME, I HATE ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE A 12 STEP PROGRAM. YOUR PROGRAM, YOUR MEETINGS, YOUR HIGHER POWER, ALL WEAKEN ME AND I CAN'T FUNCTION IN THE MANNER I AM ACCUSTOMED TO.

NOW I MUST LIE HERE QUIETLY. YOU DON'T SEE ME, BUT I AM GROWING, BIGGER THAN EVER. WHEN YOU ONLY EXIST, I MAY LIVE. WHEN YOU LIVE, I ONLY EXIST. BUT I AM HERE...AND UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN...IF WE MEET AGAIN...I WISH YOU DEATH AND SUFFERING.

Fibromyalgia...

I went to see a Rheumatologist today about being tested for Lupus. After a look at my symptoms and a thorough exam he said "yup you definitely have Fibromyalgia". He is still testing me for Lupus but said he would be surprised if I had it. You hurt all over and frequently feel tired. Fibromyalgia is a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain in your muscles, ligaments and tendons, as well as fatigue and multiple tender points — places on your body where slight pressure causes pain. Fibromyalgia occurs in about 2 percent of the population in the United States. Fibromyalgia symptoms often begin after a physical or emotional trauma, like my Pulmonary Embolisms. People with fibromyalgia often awaken tired, even though they seem to get plenty of sleep. Experts believe that these people rarely reach the deep restorative stage of sleep. Sleep disorders that have been linked to fibromyalgia include restless legs syndrome and sleep apnea. Many patients diagnosed with fibromyalgia also have psychiatric disorders. Given that the symptoms may be similar to a viral flu, experts in the field of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome believe that these two illnesses may be one and the same. Fatigue can be one of the most incapacitating for people with fibromyalgia. Patients may feel as though their arms and legs are weighted down by concrete blocks and their bodies may be so drained of energy that every task is an effort. Difficulty concentrating and retaining new information may seriously interfere with everyday mental tasks. This symptom is referred to as "fibro fog" and may hinder job opportunities. In particular, fibromyalgia patients have serious difficulty retaining new information if they are distracted. This sounds like me to a T. This is only some of the symptoms that I have. Now I know why I struggle so much. I guess it could be worse right?