Addiction in a Nutshell...

Last week was the 4 year anniversary of one of my friends death. I have lost too many friends to drugs and alcohol.

Over half a million people die a year from drug abuse and that is just in our country.

I HATE MEETINGS. I HATE HIGHER POWER. I HATE ANYONE WHO HAS A PROGRAM. TO ALL WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH ME, I WISH YOU DEATH AND I WISH YOU SUFFERING.

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF. I AM THE DISEASE OF ADDICTION, CUNNING, BAFFLING, POWERFUL. THAT'S ME. I HAVE KILLED MILLIONS AND I AM PLEASED. I LOVE TO CATCH YOU WITH THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE. I LOVE PRETENDING I AM YOUR FRIEND AND LOVER. I HAVE GIVEN YOU COMFORT, HAVE I NOT? WASN'T I THERE WHEN YOU WERE LONELY? WHEN YOU WANTED TO DIE, DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? I WAS THERE. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU HURT. I LOVE TO MAKE YOU CRY. BETTER YET, I LOVE WHEN I MAKE YOU SO NUMB YOU CAN NEITHER HURT NOR CRY. YOU CAN'T FEEL ANYTHING AT ALL. THIS IS TRUE GLORY. I WILL GIVE YOU INSTANT GRATIFICATION AND ALL I ASK OF YOU IS LONG TERM SUFFERING. I'VE BEEN THERE FOR YOU ALWAYS. WHEN THINGS WERE GOING RIGHT IN YOUR LIFE, YOU INVITED ME. YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THESE GOOD THINGS, AND I WAS THE ONLY WHO WOULD AGREE WITH YOU. TOGETHER, WE WERE ABLE TO DESTROY ALL GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE.

PEOPLE DO NOT TAKE ME SERIOUSLY. THEY TAKE STROKES SERIOUSLY. HEART ATTACKS SERIOUSLY. EVEN DIABETES THEY TAKE SERIOUSLY. FOOLS THAT THEY ARE, THEY DON'T KNOW THAT WITHOUT MY HELP, THESE THINGS WOULD NOT BE POSSIBLE.

I AM SUCH A HATED DISEASE, AND YET I DO NOT COME UNINVITED. YOU CHOOSE TO HAVE ME. SO MANY HAVE CHOSEN ME OVER REALITY AND PEACE.

MORE THEN YOU HATE ME, I HATE ALL OF YOU WHO HAVE A 12 STEP PROGRAM. YOUR PROGRAM, YOUR MEETINGS, YOUR HIGHER POWER, ALL WEAKEN ME AND I CAN'T FUNCTION IN THE MANNER I AM ACCUSTOMED TO.

NOW I MUST LIE HERE QUIETLY. YOU DON'T SEE ME, BUT I AM GROWING, BIGGER THAN EVER. WHEN YOU ONLY EXIST, I MAY LIVE. WHEN YOU LIVE, I ONLY EXIST. BUT I AM HERE...AND UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN...IF WE MEET AGAIN...I WISH YOU DEATH AND SUFFERING.

Fibromyalgia...

I went to see a Rheumatologist today about being tested for Lupus. After a look at my symptoms and a thorough exam he said "yup you definitely have Fibromyalgia". He is still testing me for Lupus but said he would be surprised if I had it. You hurt all over and frequently feel tired. Fibromyalgia is a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain in your muscles, ligaments and tendons, as well as fatigue and multiple tender points — places on your body where slight pressure causes pain. Fibromyalgia occurs in about 2 percent of the population in the United States. Fibromyalgia symptoms often begin after a physical or emotional trauma, like my Pulmonary Embolisms. People with fibromyalgia often awaken tired, even though they seem to get plenty of sleep. Experts believe that these people rarely reach the deep restorative stage of sleep. Sleep disorders that have been linked to fibromyalgia include restless legs syndrome and sleep apnea. Many patients diagnosed with fibromyalgia also have psychiatric disorders. Given that the symptoms may be similar to a viral flu, experts in the field of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome believe that these two illnesses may be one and the same. Fatigue can be one of the most incapacitating for people with fibromyalgia. Patients may feel as though their arms and legs are weighted down by concrete blocks and their bodies may be so drained of energy that every task is an effort. Difficulty concentrating and retaining new information may seriously interfere with everyday mental tasks. This symptom is referred to as "fibro fog" and may hinder job opportunities. In particular, fibromyalgia patients have serious difficulty retaining new information if they are distracted. This sounds like me to a T. This is only some of the symptoms that I have. Now I know why I struggle so much. I guess it could be worse right?

St. Mary's Basilica

I found St. Mary's Basilica church on my way home from the ASU downtown Phoenix campus on the lightrail. It is a catholic church. Stephen and I have agreed to have a traditional catholic ceremony and a second ceremony with an LDS Bishop. When I saw this church I thought it was very beautiful and I told him I want to get married here. So this is where we are going to get married. We will come up with an official date soon so we can book it! St. Mary's is the oldest church in all of Phoenix and surrounding areas. It was built in 1881 and was nationally recognized when Pope John Paul II came to the church in 1987. It is home to Arizona's largest stained glass window collection. The dome located over the altar is topped with a cupola designed to provide light to the altar which will be nice since I would like to get married late morning there. It was added to the National Register of Historic Places in 1978. It is so beautiful and I think would be by far the coolest catholic church to get married in. I can imagine walking down that long isle!

Click on the images to make SOME of them larger:


The one above this sentence is the alter.

The love of adoption...

I have a lot on my mind tonight as I'm preparing to go back to school in a few days. What gets me through the struggles of school is knowing that someday I will be able to work with birth mothers and adoptive couples in aiding them with the joys and sorrows of adoption. I want to help them through the ups and downs that adoption has and ultimately help the birth mothers make the right decision for their baby no matter what that decision is. I can't wait to see parents hold their babies for the first time. I will never forget B and S and the look on their face when I placed Joseph in their arms and said "here is your son". This is my true destiny in life and I can't wait to do it. There was a lovely woman named Betty Butler who sat in on a birth mother support group I attended back in 2000 that was very touched by my story and wrote a poem about it. It was published somewhere I'm not sure where but not using my name because I have a semi closed adoption. She used the name May instead of April. She originally called it April's Sweet song and changed it to May's sweet song. I still refer to it as April's sweet song! Here it is:

April's Sweet Song

Panic and anguish caused a heavy heart
In how this story got it's start.
A sweet girl startled and all alone
Would eventually choose an adoptive home.
For the little one she carried
Because alas, she was not married.

She knew she couldn't run from the pain
That her child's temple sealing would gain
Because she allowed his life to be spared
No greater sacrifice showed she really cared.
For his future she gifted
Her guilt and shame was lifted.

For nine months of waiting she would write
A journey of her path from darkness to light
Her grief and despair, hopes and dreams
Even her desperate plans and schemes
Of how to keep her baby, live and work
But her baby's future she could not shirk.

A couple, happy, sealed, and sure
Would give the baby something more than her.
She wrote down her hopes and wishes
In a letter sealed with kisses.
To give him something he had to have
Her baby required both a mom and a dad.

She settled into a world of prayer
Guided by God's plan of love and care.
New love for scriptures gave her insight
Taught be the Comforter she would make it right
Through the days of waiting around
She bathed her baby with her sound.

Favorite books she'd read and sing
Primary songs and nursery themes.
She crooned and soothed him with lullabies
She knew she would remember them all and cry.
She was letting go and moving on
She'd always carry their favorite song.

She would send him off with a kiss and hug
A love letter, a Teddy and a song so snug.
That even as decades come and go
Deep in his heart he would always know
There was a birth mom who had loved him before
And sang to him of heaven's angels and more.

She knew he could not be by her side
He needed more than she could provide
But a loving home she could give
By choosing parents with whom he could live.
She wondered how to know this choice was right.
She prayed for guidance day and night.

She believed all that Christ had said,
Blessings assured, she faced the day without dread.
"Knowing I'd put my love on that line."
She knew God would give her a sign.
That all would be forgiven and fine.
She wrote him a letter to explain the plan

She'd found the couple to care for her little man.
She left her love letter, their story, their song
Even though to others he'd now belong.
She had his footprint, a photo and his baby book
She kissed him, then glanced back for one last look.

He smiled at her and raised his hand.
A "thank you" wave from her little man.

Copyright 2000 Betty Butler

When I put him down in his car seat when I was saying good bye he looked me dead in my eyes and had this little grin on his face. He then raised his right hand as if he was waving good bye. He had the biggest brightest eyes and I will never forget it. I felt so strongly that at that moment he knew what was going on. It was amazing. I then walked out the door.

Second try on Coach...

OK no one bought me that coach purse but here are some more! I have faith that I will get one. :) The ones with pink are my favorite but I will take any of these listed. Thanks

Click on the links. The first one is my favorite and the cheapest. Go figure!

Coach Patchwork Holiday bag

Coach Fall Patchwork

Signature Coach Fall Patchwork

Coach Pink Signature Patchwork

Coach Signature Pink Wallet

Coach Patchwork Tote

Coach Pink Wallet

Coach Pink Zip-Around Wallet

Proud Auntie...

My nieces learned how to ride their bikes. They are so cute!

Charlies Birthday...

Today Charlie is 7 years old. I can't believe how old he is getting. Pekingese don't live very long so I get sad every birthday. I hope we have at least 3 more years together.