Heartbreak...

As you know my boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me on Monday and to put it mildly, it has been hard. I have the World's BEST family and friends. The amount of love and support I have received has been incredible. One thing that I can count on that will never hurt me is my family. This includes my siblings. They are my rocks and my glimmer of hope when everyone else has let me down. They will never let me down or leave me. I don't know what I would do without them. With them comes their equally amazing spouses. For example, my sister-in-law Christa. The night Stephen broke up with me, she emailed me after I cried on the phone with her. Here is some of that email:
"You are a beautiful girl. There will be someone out there who ADORES you and for whom you will be their everything! Let's find him! Just remember that you do not need another person (boyfriend) to make you happy. There are so many reasons you have to be happy just as you are. Give yourself time to be sad about Stephen and then also plan for the time when you are ready to move on and be happy without him. That was when I felt most at peace with my life situation was when I realized I was happy being single and enjoyed the freedom it gives you. It can be a fun time of life. That is also when I found myself dating more than I had in the past and when I met the perfect man for me - your sweet brother! You need someone as good as Guy! :) Until you find him I will share him with you - call him whenever you want"!
That is what I needed to read that night. My sister Kimberly posted a video on her blog that was supposed to make a person laugh but instead made me cry literally like the little girl in the video. I completely understood how this little girl felt but of course on a deeper level. It is called "I only like Stephen". Ironic name don't you think? Here it is:



I look forward to the day that I meet the man that is truly worthy of me and that deserves me! ;) At least I keep being told he is out there! Thank you to everyone for helping me get through this hard time.

Pelvic Laparoscopy...

I am having Pelvic Laparoscopy surgery on Friday April 9th (which happens to be the one year anniversary I was sent to the hospital for my Pulmonary Embolisms). I started having severe abdominal/pelvic pain on my left side last Monday. I decided not to go to the ER or Urgent Care knowing they probably could not do anything about it. I stayed up all night in pain and went to school 3 hours early to try to occupy myself. I called my OBGYN as soon as they opened Tuesday morning. They got me in with the nurse practitioner that afternoon. She did a pelvic exam and said my left ovary was enlarged. She thought that maybe I had an ovarian cyst. She ordered a pelvic ultrasound and it was scheduled for the next day (Wednesday). I had a follow-up appointment Thursday with the actual OBGYN for the ultrasound results. I was shocked that it was negative. He asked me about my symptoms and did another pelvic exam. He then said he suspected that I might have Endometriosis (a debilitating medical condition in females in which growth of cells similar to those that form inside of the uterus, flourish in areas outside the uterine cavity. Most commonly on the ovaries, cervix, fallopian tubes, and bladder). He said in order to confirm we needed to do pelvic laparoscopy surgery. Here is some info on it. It is really quite a minor surgery especially considering I have had like a million surgeries ha ha.
Pelvic Laparoscopy Surgery:

Pelvic laparoscopy is a surgical procedure that examines and treats pelvic organs through a small surgical viewing instrument (laparoscope) inserted into the abdomen at the navel.

While you are deep asleep and pain-free under general anesthesia, the doctor makes a half-inch surgical cut in the skin below the navel (which may be kind of hard due to scar tissue from a previous surgery). Carbon dioxide gas is pumped into the abdomen to help the doctor see the organs more easily.

The laparoscope, an instrument that looks like a small telescope on a flexible tube, is inserted so the doctor can view the area. Other instruments will be inserted through other small cuts in the lower abdomen to get tissue samples or do other procedures. After the laparoscopy, the carbon dioxide gas is released, and the surgeon closes the cuts with stitches or staples.

The surgery should only last an hour, I get to go home about 2 hours after the surgery is over, there are only small external scars, only moderate postoperative pain that includes some shoulder pain due to irritation from the gas, and taking it easy for only a few days with complete recovery in 2 weeks. If the surgery shows Endometriosis the hope is that he will be able to remove it all during the surgery. If I do not have endometriosis my hope then is that I just had an ovarian cyst that ruptured and is causing pain for an unusually long period of time. I will find out soon.

Fibro Fog...

Lately Stephen and I have been laughing at the things I have been saying and the things that I forget. It can be pretty hilarious but at times frustrating. Here is some information on fibro fog. Stay tuned for the quote of the day!

While the most predominant symptoms of fibromyalgia include widespread pain and persistent fatigue, the resulting cognitive impairment of this condition may be its most maddening. Commonly referred to as fibro fog, this symptom is a conglomeration of cognitive challenges.

Symptoms of Fibro Fog

Just as no two individuals experience fibromyalgia in the same way, fibro fog also has a varying range of indications, some include:

· Mental confusion

· Fuzzy thinking

· Short-term memory loss

· Inability to concentrate or pay attention

· Language lapses

Fibro Fog Cause

Most experts agree that sleep deprivation is the primary culprit of fibro fog. Occurring at the deepest level of the sleep cycle, individuals with fibromyalgia typically lack sufficient restorative sleep. We know that at the deeper levels of sleep, called delta wave sleep, a person’s mind conducts internal housekeeping. During delta wave sleep, newly acquired information is assimilated and integrated into the brain. The inability to get sufficient delta wave sleep impairs the ability to recall information and operate at a normal level of mental efficiency. (I don't get any REM sleep until about the 9th hour of sleep).

The researchers found that people with Fibromyalgia do not have the same mental agility as healthy people of the same age. Their verbal fluency, long-term memory, and working memory (how much information you can use, manipulate and store at one time) was at the same level of capability as those in a much older group. The people with Fibromyalgia performed even worse, scoring lower than the older group and showing a serious deficit when it came to vocabulary, a cognitive function that doesn't normally decline with age.

The findings of this research is important in two ways: First, it validates cognitive deficits in people with Fibromyalgia. Second, whatever is going on to cause the cognitive deficits in people with FM, it is not the same as that which occurs with natural aging.

Last week Stephen called me in the morning and this was our conversation:
Me: Hello
Stephen: There you are. I called you like 5 times.
Me: Did I answer?!

I don't to this day even remember having that conversation with him. I don't remember quite a few conversations. Stuff like this is going on with me all the time and my most common words are "I don't remember". I just have to sit back and laugh about it!

Chronic Daily Headache Syndrome...

We recently found out that my sister Amanda has been misdiagnosed the past 2 and a half years. She was told she had Myasthenia Gravis but after seeing an MG specialist she found out that was incorrect. She endured so much because of this misdiagnosis. Her first doctor only had to do one simple test to confirm the MG diagnosis and he did not do it. She found out about this test when she saw the MG specialist. He did this test twice and it was negative. Because of the first doctors lack of knowledge (or whatever)...blah blah blah, Amanda had to have her sternum cracked open, her thymus removed, part of her lung removed, and now has her ribs put together with wire. The surgery which could have killed her was done for no reason at all. She has been on medication for no reason and will need to have her organs checked for signs of damage from this medication. She was also a few months away from getting her court date for disability after 2 and a half years which she will not get now because she was misdiagnosed. My poor sister has been through SO much. Her new neurologist is getting her in with the right doctors for the right tests. All her problems started 2 and a half years ago when she had laser eye surgery. She got a headache that day and has had a headache every single day since then. She is weak, tired, and has problems with extremity pain and it is probably all from chronic headaches we now find out.

Long-duration CDH (Chronic Daily Headache) is a significant public health concern. Approximately 3% to 5% of the population worldwide have daily or near-daily headaches. The disability associated with this disorder is substantial, as patients have a significantly diminished quality of life and mental health, as well as impaired physical, social, and occupational functioning. The article states that the headaches start “out of the blue”; and has occurred daily from onset. The mayo clinic says no one knows what causes them but a couple of possibilities are:

• You develop a heightened response to pain signals (this is seen in Fibromyalgia patients)
  
• The part of your brain that suppresses pain signals isn't working properly (this is seen in auto-immune patients)
  

Rhea Memorabilia...

I have a friend on my support group for Pet Bereavement that wrote a poem about Rhea. It is very sweet.

Rhea

Lord, when time has come please help me be strong
my sweet friend was sick; something's terribly wrong
The vet checked her over; there's nothing she can do
It is with great sorrow I have sent her; home to You

Please take her back home; on the wings of a dove
into Your loving arms; up in heaven above
Take her to a meadow; where she can run free
under bright sunlight; among the green grass and trees

She's been a part of my life now; for so many years
I miss her so much; my eyes are filling with tears
I have said my goodbyes
as I know she'll watch over me; through her loving eyes

I'll never forget her; I'll see her one day
tell her we'll meet at the again; what more can I say
I'll cherish the memories; of the time we both had
I can’t imagine life without her, I just feel so incredibly sad



This is a heart necklace that I got at the place where Rhea was cremated. Her fur is inside the heart. I had her name and date of death hand engraved on the heart. He did a great job.


I met a friend online that does photo shop and she did these pictures of Rhea. Here is Rhea in clouds with her halo!
Rhea earning her wings.Rhea at the "Rainbow Bridge".

Rhea is very missed not just by me but by Rhea's mother Abby and my dog Charlie. They have been needing constant attention and affection.

My precious Rhea...

(The picture at the top was Rhea fat, happy, and healthy. The one's at the bottom were taken the night before she passed away). My precious 8-year-old cat Rhea (Rhea means Greek Goddess) has been sick for quite some time. We thought she had an abscess that was pushing her eyeball out and the vet tried draining it with no success. We tried antibiotics and steroids with no success. One day Rhea took a turn for the worse and started have trouble breathing. Everything started to go down hill and I noticed a new mass on her neck and above the eye that was protruding and infected. I thought about taking her to the emergency room to put her to sleep but the thought killed me. The next day (Sunday) I called the vets office and left a message telling them what happened and that I thought it was time to put her down as she was suffering. I asked them to call me back first thing Monday morning. One of the vets called me back right away and said if it was a retrobulbar abscess that we thought it was, the antibiotics would have helped and new masses would not be showing up. He told me to bring her in first thing at 8:30 the next morning to put her to sleep. I stayed up that entire night with Rhea taking pictures, videos, and holding her while crying. My mom and I took her in and I held her for awhile and then it was time. The vet told me after examining her that it was actually a tumor not an abscess and it was cancer that had spread to her lymph nodes. I for sure was doing the right thing. Poor Rhea. This explains why our treatments failed. She had lost a lot of her fur and tons of weight. Rhea did not fight, she was calm when they gave her the injection and she was gone in seconds. They wrapped her in Rhea's blanket that I brought and put her in my arms. My mom and I took her to a place to have her cremated. I stayed with Rhea for quite some time in a private room and took a lock of her fur to keep. My mom bought me a gold heart necklace there and we cut another piece of Rhea's fur to put inside the heart. I finally had to say good-bye and the woman there brought out Rhea's blanket that was wrapped around her. Later that day they called me and told me that her ashes were ready. I picked them up and they put them in a beautiful wooden box with a lock and keys. They attached an ID tag to it that was engraved "RHEA" on it. On the bag the ashes were in, it said, "Remains of Rhea Morgan, February 15th, 2010". I put Rhea's fur and collar inside the box with the ashes and it sits in my bedroom. I miss her terribly and this is so much harder than I ever imagined. She was so loving and gentle. I miss her sitting on my lap constantly and her sweet meow. She is no longer suffering now and she is happy!

When Tomorrow Starts Without Me

When tomorrow starts without me,
And I'm not there to see;
The sun will rise and find your eyes
All filled with tears for me.
I wish so much you wouldn't cry
The way you did today,
Remembering how I'd lay my head
In your lap that special way.
I know how much you love me,
As much as I love you,
And each time that you think of me,
I know you'll miss me too.

But when tomorrow starts without me.
Please try to understand,
That an angel came and called my name
And petted me with her hand.
She said my place was ready,
In Heaven far above,
And that I'd have to leave behind
All those I dearly love.

But, as I turned to look away,
A tear fell from my eye,
For all my life I never thought
That I would have to die.
I had so much to live for,
So many sits and downs to do,
It seemed almost impossible,
That I was leaving you.

I thought about our lives together,
I know you must be sad,
I thought of all the love we shared,
And all the fun we had.

Remember how I'd nudge your hand,
And poke you with my nose?

If I could relive yesterday,
Just even for awhile,
I'd wag my tail and kiss you,
Just so I could see you smile.

But, then I fully realized,
That this could never be;
For emptiness and memories
Will take the place of me.
And when I thought of treats and toys,
I might miss come tomorrow,
I thought of you and when I did,
My cat-heart filled with sorrow.

But then I walked through Heaven's gate,
And felt so much at home;
As God looked down and smiled at me,
From His beautiful golden throne.
He said, "This is eternity,
And now we welcome you,
Today your life on earth is past,
But here it starts anew.

I promise no tomorrow,
But today will always last;
For you see, each days the same day,
There's no longing for the past.
Now you have been so faithful,
So trusting, loyal and true;
Though there were times you did things,
You knew you shouldn't do.

But good cats are forgiven,
And now at last you're free;
So won't you sit here by my side,
And wait right here with me?"
So when tomorrow starts without me,
Don't think we're far apart.
For every time you think of me,
I'm right there, in your heart.

Rhea struggling to breathe. If you turn up your volume you can hear it.




Rhea breathing again. These were taken the night before she passed away. She was on my lap most of the night and barely slept the whole night because she couldn't breathe.

The stares of "you don't look sick/disabled"...

Sometimes I feel people look at me when I get out of my car (in the handicap parking spot) and they have that stare like "what did she take her grandmas car and handicap placard"? Fibromyalgia is the "invisible illness" meaning we don't look sick for the most part. The past few days have been worse than normal. I have come to realize that chronic pain is a permanent part of my life now. I manage to be generally happy and function well. I do well in school and do not take any pain meds for fear of becoming addicted. I just take a medication that treats severe nerve pain 3 times a day but it may be time for an increase already. I push myself way too much and as soon as I feel better I push myself again and end up right back where I was, on the couch in agony. I did a lot of walking, yoga, and 2 days of cleaning and had a severe flare that kept me awake literally all night last night. As soon as I started feeling better I did laundry, cleaned my house, and picked 9 big bags of oranges from my tree. Guess what? I'm right back into another flare. You would think I would have learned by now huh? I'm not doing this post to complain but rather to explain how amazing it is what the human body can power through! I am a stronger more confident person because I am accomplishing so much whilst dealing with chronic pain.

While from the outside I may seem normal,

It’s the part that you can’t see,

The constant pain and struggles within,

Are ever so apparent to me.

Although I may wear a smile,

Often times it's covering the tears,

Yet not tears because of sadness,

As it often may appear.

Don’t be too quick to judge though,

Because there is so much more than is known,

What may seem to look like one thing,

Just might turn to prove so wrong.

I may sometimes seem unfriendly,

Or too centered around self,

Because sometimes standing takes all I’ve got,

And there is just no energy left.

Sometimes my words may sound awkward,

My communication may not always convey,

My true inner thoughts and feelings,

Aren’t always expressed by what I say.

You may think that I’m not really listening,

Sometimes my face or speech may not show,

But I do hear every word you say,

I really want you to know.

The information doesn’t always process,

As quickly and as clear,

And sometimes it takes me longer,

To interpret what I hear.

I possibly miss many opportunities,

To offer needed love or support,

Because sometimes it just takes to long,

For my thoughts and words to sort.

So if my actions seem inappropriate,

In the things I say or do,

I hope that you can understand,

That it is not because of you.

There are times I get discouraged,

When forced to accept my inability--

It’s hard to admit my limitations,

And it leaves me feeling so guilty.

Yet every moment is a reminder

As I look all around,

The effort it takes just to get through the day,

Just picking my feet up off the ground.

I am not looking to find pity,

I am just attempting to explain,

That the person that you may often see,

And the real me aren’t exactly the same.

You may not see the peace and joy,

When you look upon my face,

But I know that each day I live,

Is because of God’s amazing grace.

It is hard to always be cheerful,

When the pain is so very real,

And not everyone can comprehend,

The extend of how I feel.

I don’t see it as all bad though,

Although I’d much rather it not be so,

But I know that if I must endure,

God will strengthen me as I go.

It may seem as if I take no pride

In the way that I look or dress,

However, there might be much more going on,

Inside of the big mess.

My home may not be nice and neat,

My bed not always made,

The laundry may not all be done,

And often it makes me ashamed.

But I must only do what I am able,

Each day I have to choose,

What is most important right then,

And the tasks I am able to lose.

All the plans and dreams I once held,

Now don’t seem quite so clear,

Yet I feel a peace within,

As my Lord keeps drawing me near.

To have a chronic illness,

Or a disability that one must bear,

Somehow puts life into perspective,

And helps to make us more aware.

I realize now that each day I live,

Is a gift from God above,

It is hard not to lean on Him,

Or to look to His great love.

I now can fully understand,

On my own, there is nothing I can do,

It is only be faith and prayer,

That I can make it through.

It may seem an exaggeration,

No one can always feel so bad,

But only those who have walked in these shoes,

Can appreciate the battles that I have had.

I see so many people less fortunate than me,

Don’t have to look very far,

There are so many suffering all around,

It doesn’t matter who you are.

Circumstances and illnesses can hit unexpectedly,

And you can never really be prepared,

It may be difficult to understand,

Leaving you vulnerable and feeling scared.

I must constantly guard my thoughts and mind,

As Satan always tries to bring me down,

He wants me to feel hopeless and unworthy,

And turn my smile into a frown.

It is hard not to get depressed,

When I see the burden my family must bare,

The fact I cannot always meet their needs,

No one could be more aware.

There are times I feel like giving up,

When I look too far ahead,

But I know if my loved ones were given the choice,

They would just choose to have me here instead.

There are so many ups and downs,

New challenges each day,

I must strive to keep my eyes on God,

So that I be not led astray.

It would be so difficult to cope,

Without God, my hope would all be gone,

Because through submitting to Him in prayer,

Is when my weaknesses are made strong.

So when you see the way I look,

When my insecurities are in view,

Base who I am on what’s inside,

Not by the things that I can do.

The greatest lesson that I have ever learned,

Is the reason that I am here on earth,

Is not to live for self and gain,

For in these things are not my worth.

God has a purpose for my life,

Although the details I may not see,

He still has it under control,

And is continually watching over me.

Maybe one day I will be well,

And my health He will restore,

But if that is not in God’s will,

I will still praise Him ever more.

If this suffering can bring honor to Him,

I will gladly accept the call,

Because of His great love for me,

He suffered and gave His all.

I have to believe that what I am going through now,

Will somehow work together for good,

And one day it will be revealed,

And all things will be understood.

While I still worry about what you think,

More the example that I may show,

I am learning so much more each day,

And this has really helped me to grow.